As someone that isn’t usually emotional, it was scary to find myself in a situation where my emotions were all over the place and grief seemed to take over. When you’re suddenly sad or grieving a huge loss and find yourself crying frequently, you can make it worse sometimes with an added sense of panic of not knowing how to process all of these emotions. Here is the story of how we processed our grief and the 6 important steps that I took to help us all move through our emotions in a healthy way together. (read part one here or part two here)
Grief Down’s syndrome Style
As soon as I walked in through the camper door, Timothy ran to me and said, “Baby?” I brought him to the couch with me and cuddled him. “No,” I said. “Baby is all done.” “No baby. Mommy sad.” He didn’t understand. He doesn’t deal well when other people have strong emotions. For days he signed “Mommy, cry.” Often, I showed him the picture of him holding Baby Shalome. With my big tummy still, I didn’t want him to think she was still in there. I had no idea how to help him process the grief he would go through.
Nature’s Healing Touch
We spent a lot of time in the house with my sister-in-law’s family. They were so wonderfully providing meals and support for us and our children. They have beautiful acreage to walk. It was a very therapeutic time for me. Just sitting there in her flower gardens. We spent a lot of time talking, crying and just being together.
1) Be Real in Your Grief
The first and maybe most important step to helping us move through our grief together was to be real about our emotions. I tried hard not to hide my feelings, be them happy, sad or even angry; I needed my children to see that it’s okay to be real. Feel all of the feelings without guilt. It’s okay to cry in front of others without explanation. It’s also okay to have moments of happiness. I really struggled with this one, worrying about what others would think if I looked happy sometimes; but feeling happiness is such a blessing in your darkest moments and it doesn’t mean that you don’t care about your baby. The most important part of this step is allowing your true feelings to be felt without guilt. These emotions aren’t where you will stay and live… they are a place to walk through.
2) Something Tangible to Hold
I told my husband, “I can’t go back to Arkansas and just move on like she never happened.” Since I didn’t have a baby to physically hold each day, I was afraid I would feel like she had been a dream. I needed things to remember her by in my grief. The first thing, which I had already received, was the beautiful rainbow blanket from my mother. I slept with it every night and it was the perfect weight to be so comforting. Next, I had taken this first picture above shortly before we said our final goodbye. I decided to have it put on a canvas and hung up in my rv bedroom so I could wake up with her every morning and fall asleep with her there at night. I also did that with her sweet footprints. It has been such a comfort. I even held her canvas in our next family picture, so we could acknowledge her. I also had a necklace customized with her name on it. It was a comfort to wear it when I was feeling lonely for her.
3) Journal Through Your Grief
I started a journal to write down my memories and feelings as I moved through the grieving process. I found that as I wrote, new feelings would come up that I had not realized were there and it allowed me to process them easier in such a private and easy way. It also became such a wonderful keepsake for the years to come, helping me to remember these thoughts and moments that might otherwise be forgotten.
4) Remember and Talk Often
Finally, I took all of the pictures that we had of our baby and turned them into a video. It was such a comfort to us in the days and weeks ahead to sit and watch this. Sometimes Timmy cried about baby. I tried my best to comfort him. I’m not sure what he thinks exactly, but when we would watch the video, we would say, “bye-bye baby” and “I love you.” I don’t know if there would have been any easy way to help him through it. I tried to keep the conversation and her memory alive as the months passed. On her birthday, we had cupcakes at the park and watched her video again. We often stop and talk about how old she would be and what things she might be doing (walking, running…). We make a point not to forget her.
5) Saying Good-bye
Shalome had been born in Minnesota, but we were living in Arkansas. I knew I didn’t want to leave her body up north. We decided to have her cremated so that we could travel with her back home. My father-in-law is a master craftsman. My husband approached him about making us a box to keep her cremains in. Something beautiful that we could keep with us in our new house. This is what he came up with. We will treasure it always. It also allowed space for some treasured keepsakes like her baby hat and a tiny lock of her hair.
I had to face the reality that Shalome was gone and we would not have the chance to watch her grow up. These tangible things I had were helpful to remember her by, but they were still not her. It was heartbreaking to go home and put here clothes back in to storage, but it was so healing to do as well. It’s important to move yourself through these steps in order to get passed them. It might seem easier to ignore or avoid these tasks, but you will only be prolonging the pain and crippling your days with these stuffed emotions.
6) Get Busy Living
Don’t get stuck in a rut of wallowing or obsessing over what has happened. I found myself changing my focus for the days ahead. My life had just changed. I was planning to go home to Arkansas with a newborn and to do all of the newborn things. Now, everything would be different. I chose to look at the bright side of things. This was the first time in 21 years of mothering that I would have a 3 yr old toddler with no new baby. This meant a new level of freedom for me that I had never known. This was a chance for me to continue to pour myself into my other children and their homeschooling.
I also was really looking forward to beginning the process of building our house. Sometimes, as I found joy in this newfound freedom, I felt a little bit guilty. Like I was enjoying that we lost our baby; but I had to remind myself that it wasn’t my choice for her to leave. We would have preferred to have her, and it wasn’t wrong to find joy in the alternative that God had given to us instead. I felt very blessed, really, being surrounded by my husband and my other children. I would frequently tell my concerned friends, “I’m not lonely and I’m not bored.” Changing my focus and finding joy in other things really helped me to move on.
Be Patient with Yourself
No one can say how long it might take you to move through a healing journey like this. It will be different for everyone. These few things seemed to really help us process her loss and give us a sense of her presence, but also helped us to move forward without her. It was painful, but it wasn’t forever. In fact, it got easier once I allowed my heart to realize that some days were just going to be hard, and to just allow them to come, knowing that tomorrow was a whole new day.